My wife, daughter and I are going to Mexico to spend some time at my friends place in a couple weeks– and i’m excited. I miss them, as during normal weeks it almost seems like i see them in passing as part of my busy unbalanced life.
Let me ramble about something I’ve rambled about before. It obviously bugs the fuck out of me….
You see, my biggest challenge in life right now is trying to balance the exact monster that has helped me get to where i am in life– obsession / compulsion. Every week i have a goal of trying to evenly distribute balance between the things i need to– work, family, cars, being healthy– and every week i fail. I’ve kicked ass at all of those four items **individually**, but i can never pull them together in balance.
In essence, my life is uncoordinated. I can play the fucking instruments, but i can’t orchestrate them well together. What makes it tougher is that when i let one piece go, the others suffer.
Here are my chosen four instruments that I’d love to balance.
Work: When i obsess, i feel i’m the best. When i turn it off, i feel like i could end up living under a highway overpass. That’s my most common nightmare. Really. All or nothing.
Family: When I obsess, i’ve got big heart and am a great family guy. When my obsessions focus elsewhere, I can be self destructing to the things most important to me–I become lousy and sometimes feel like i don’t deserve the good family that i have. In the nightmare i describe above, i live under the bridge homeless– alone.
Cars: I love cars, and i obsess on them. Cars are just a thing– so i don’t have much to say…. but again, just like everything else in my life– it’s either full throttle or nothing.
Health: For me, this is very important in my life. When i’m healthy, i’m happy. When i obsess on my health, i’m a machine– i’ve been one of the best fighters in a world class gym, done pretty good racing mountain bikes, even spent years consistently falling off my skateboard. Nope– not because of natural athletic gifts, just obsessive hard work and fun. When i lose focus— im a fat ugly fuck, i don’t feel good, and i get unhappy.
By the way, while i mention four things, my mind can many times go off and obsess on other things aside from the four I’d choose. Many times in my past, I’ve obsessed on bad things. I hate that part of me.
At times i just wish i didn’t have the mental quirks that i have. But, then i wouldn’t be me– i suppose. Thus, i just try to tune them to a workable level, and balance them. I’m not doing a good enough job.
Even though it’s driven success, the obsessive monster inside me is something i see as evil. Here are words i’d use to describe “it”: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, pride…. yep, when i look at them I can relate to the seven deadly sins.
Maybe if i can’t save myself, i need to make up some magically bearded guy in my head that will do the saving for me. You know, the big G - O - Dizzle.
I’m quite sure that the *magic* in religion is that it fools people…. In essence, it’s trickery. That said, maybe my mind needs to be tricked into submission. However, the church came up with their own seven traits of counter the evil ones: chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, kindness, patience, humility. Maybe i need to study up on the good ol’ black book, because i’d like a little more of those traits.
I know the devil isnt going to save me— cause that mother fucker seems like he’s been the roommate in my head for a long time. Maybe i need Jesus. Can that greasy ass, long haired hippy help me out, or will he strike me down for calling him a greasy, long haired hippy ? Even though I’ve convinced myself that i despise organized religion, I’ve made it a goal to study up on their big books. I am.
I’d love to go just one week where i feel like I’ve properly balanced the things that make me who i am.
Important to note: When i try my balancing act, i sense my internal monster gets pissed off at me (note to psychologists– notice how the subject doesn’t accept blame and instead channels it to an imaginary “monster”.) In turn, I feel like I’m playing with fire– and sense that the whole thing could blow up in my face, i’d lose everything, then I’d end up as the lonely guy living homeless with no possessions, family or friends under a freeway overpass.
In closing– if you get afraid of me mentioning evil, religion, sins and hopes; im amused. While maybe more of a nutcase than the average Joe, i think most people struggle with issues. After all, without the agonies how can you truly appreciate the victories?
I may be fucked up, but no matter how much you try to hide it— so are you.
-scott noteboom
1929 Chevy Imperial Sedan $7,000
(c) 2007-2008 T.M.R.